Conscious communication: from ‘but’ to ‘and’
Auf Deutsch: Bewusste Kommunikation: von „aber" zu „und"
Language, perhaps, is the most all-encompassing form of expression we have. It’s the everyday vehicle through which our inner world travels, and one of the most important tools we have to form and maintain relationships. Through language, we express our feelings, needs, boundaries, appreciation and our love. It bridges what we experience internally and what the other is able to perceive and understand.
I am sure you have felt the power of words - and the choice people have within them - in your own system throughout your life’s experiences. Where one word and the way it is expressed may heal, another may hurt. This is not always a conscious process, for ourselves and for others. Small patterns of speech, or one little word - things we personally may barely notice - can completely change how something lands in another person’s body, due to their own experiences, cultural interpretation, or something subconscious within them, too. A sentence can extend a metaphorical hand out to the other, or it can close to a fist. Words may be open to deeper connection, or close it off completely. A choice in language may create a sense of safety, curiosity and understanding. Or it can create defensiveness and distance.
When we bring this to our consciousness, it invites us to get clear on how we use language to bring out the energy into the world we intend to. Even the smallest shift in language can be incredibly powerful, when it’s done with a conscious intention.
This blogpost is a summary of the video that you can find on Unfold under the category “Beyond the Shape”
Personally, one of those small shifts - one that has genuinely changed the way I communicate and the way my relationships feel - is replacing the word “but” with the word “and”. Since I’ve implemented this into my life, everything change.
Shifting from using “but” to saying “and” is such a seemingly simple, yet powerful way to change the entire continuation of a conversation.
Want to try it out?
I invite you to connect to your body and your senses and explore how it feels when you read the following:
You did such a great job but…
I love you but…
What you said today was true but…
How does “but” feel in your body?
When we lean into this word choice, we may notice using “but” completely cancels out everything that was said prior. It seems to convey, ‘whatever was said before, is less important to what comes now’. It signals a sense of disagreement, no matter the appreciation or love that was expressed before. With that, it may immediately feel loaded and even confrontational. Often, not just for the speaker, but also for the person on the receiving end, the use of “but” often brings out our defensive or protective mode, because of the distance this word puts between what is said and what is actually expressed.
And now, notice what happens when you read the following:
You did such a great job and…
I love you and…
What you said today was true and…
How does “and” feel in your body?
When we consciously shift to using “and”, it shows us that we are capable of witnessing and holding both truths. It includes, rather than excludes. It offers a commitment to stay in connection with the other. It communicates: Nothing I just said needs to be taken back in order for something else to be named.
This way of consciously communicating brings the philosophy of Yoga into our day-to-day use of language. To move from “I love spending time with you, but I also need some space” to “I love spending time with you, and I also notice I need some alone time to recharge”, is to move from contraction to expansion, from separation to connection. “And” keeps the channel of energy open: it allows the reciprocal flow of being and feeling seen to stay in motion. So, with switching from “but” to “and”, instead of ‘this is true but that is also true’ (which feels confrontational), may we soften into ‘this is true and that is also true’, which invites a sense of loving kindness and inclusivity.
I believe when we replace but with and, we practice Yoga through language.
There are many different yogic philosophies that developed over time, two of them being duality and non-duality. Duality, or dvaita in Sanskrit, offers us the contrasts of life: the line between effort and ease, between self and other, between light and dark. Equally, it extracts and separates the material world and our physical body from consciousness and enlightenment. Nonduality, or advaita, shows us that multiple truths, and ways of being, can exist at the same time, without cancelling out one another. This ‘both-and orientation’ shows us that there are various perspectives on reality, and perspectives of Yoga and of life.
In dual perception, spirit and matter are divided. In our day-to-day, this may feel like a very ‘right/wrong’ way of seeing the world. There is you and me. My truth and your truth. This, and that. Either, or. In this type of perception, there is often the sense that only one thing can be true at a time.
Within non-duality, spirit and matter are two aspects of one. Life is a melting pot of the material and the intangible, of body and soul. There is space for multiple truths to exist at the same time, within the same moment.
So, saying “and” is a non-dual act. It says: ‘I don’t need to split this moment in two’. I can love you and feel hurt. I can understand you and still name my experience.
Applying a nondual awareness, a both-and orientation, to our language - and therefore to our relationships, our life, perceived sense of reality - offers us space to see someone else’s truth alongside our own. This is true in both directions. It doesn’t mean that we’re wrong when they’re right, and vice versa. It actually invites us to leave a sense of righteousness out of it altogether, and offers a much softer alternative: that our individual experiences matter, and that there is enough space for the vast differences in perception we experience together, through our day and life. A simple shift from “but” to “and” extends a gentle invitation which says, I see you, and I see me too. This small, three-letter word offers a sense of safety and an invitation to connect deeper with not just the other person, but with yourself as well.
I would love for you to try it today, and to see how an element of conscious awareness of your choice of language may land in your body.